Thursday, Aug. 29, 2002 - 3:57 a.m.
The title of this entry really explains it all- Rock Bottom.
I think I've reached that level now. It's the level that I usually reach after not taking my meds for more than a couple of weeks, which is about now. Before, it took months to kick in before I had to realize (yet again) that I had to stay on them, but this time, with everything that's going on, I knew it was only a matter of time.
Now, the question people may be asking is, if I knew it was going to happen, why didn't I just take the damn medicine.
Because...I just don't care anymore.
And that's another sign of knowing that I've reached rock bottom. Before, I would have called Luevonna. I don't think I can call her now, at 4am. I don't feel comfortable calling Jenn or Jeremy and so I'm left here, crying, not being able to sleep, and not knowing what to do.
I'm scared, deathly scared, because I remember this feeling. I remember this feeling of hopelessness and I never can remember it until the next time I feel it again. Which is why I can't use it as an incentive to stay on track and keep taking care of myself. I block out all the bad while I'm steady and then when it hits, I remember it all, all over again. It's like being on a drug and in a sense, I guess it is, because I take *drugs*, but hell, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anyway.
I did take my medicine tonight, but it's not like a true drug in the sense that it alters everything in a matter of hours or even a day. It takes days to kick back in and I'm hoping I can handle it. It's my own fault, so I'm not looking for pity, I just...
I'm scared.
I wonder if anyone will ever be able to love me the way that I love Luevonna or even be able to measure up. Will I ever be able to get over her? Do I have to get over her? Will I ever feel like a true mother to Parker? Will Parker ever see me that way when he's an adult? Will things ever get better at work? Am I going to have to leave the job and go somewhere else? What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to mother, whom keeps getting sick? What about my father and my brothers?
This is when I know it's bad because I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders (more than usual). My mind races as it won't stop thinking about whatever it can and I can't close my eyes, no matter how mentally exhaused I am.
I don't want to be alone right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that it's going to be okay, even it won't be. I just want something familiar near me, someone to help take the pain away that I feel in my heart and head.
And...I don't have anyone to do that now.
-AngelGirl95
