Saturday, Jul. 26, 2003 - 2:45 a.m.
I've cried only a few times in the last couple of days. I feel as if I should be crying more. I should have written down how I felt days, weeks, maybe even months ago about this. The thing was, was that I had no feelings about it. I still feel...very little about it. My mom says I'm in denial. All the signs are classic. I'm keeping myself busy at work or occupied via tv, internet, books so that I can't think in quiet much. The fact that I've not shed a tear during everything until yesterday and I'm a classic crier in any stressful situation.
You see, if you want to think emotionally, my grandmother stopped living about 9 years ago, according to my dad (her son). I think it was probably about 4-5 years ago in my mind. She never stopped smoking and she simply stopped caring about being around anyone. Her body slowly started shutting down. She's been in a assisted living area for almost 3 years now and has been into the hospital about 4 times in the last 6 months. Last week she went into the hospital again, this time for what we assumed was more of the same, back problems and her veins. They've been slowly closing up from the smoking for awhile now. But rapidly this past week, she's gone spiraling downhill. She can't talk any longer, can't see past inches in front of her face, and tonight, her blood pressure is deadly low and her body temp. is 104 degrees. My dad is making the decisions for her health now and he's decided, along with the doctor's aid, that there will be no more surgery to help her. If her pressure goes up, they'll send her to a hospice to keep her comfortable and wait for her to die or she'll never make it to the hospice.
My grandmother, who as a child, I thought was one of the strongest, most stubborn-headed people, is getting ready to die. I sat with her tonight as the tubes were stuck in her and as she took breathes of air, she sounded like she was moaning, but everyone kept assuring me that she had enough morphine to keep her pain free.
I want to feel something and I did finally cry yesterday when I finally saw her and then again today, but I think I'm still in shock. I think I still expect her to be alright, to get up and walk out of that hospital and tell everyone that it was just a cruel joke and that we all should have known that she'd never stop fighting for life. But I know in reality, that's not going to happen. I know she's not going to make it much longer, even if it's only 6 months more of living.
And I just can't write about this anymore right now.
