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Monday, Sept. 08, 2003 - 3:43 p.m.

I guess when I signed up for diaryland to start posting my banner, that I really should have taken some time to update this thing. I've had so many people leaving me such nice messages that I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate it.

It's been a long month. My grandmother ended up passing away a few days after my last post. I was at work at the time, but my dad found out and tried to get there in time, but missed her by only a few minutes. We've been told that she wasn't suffering at the time of passing, which I'm glad about. I still didn't feel much about it. We had a service that next weekend and my two cousins flew down here for it and flowers were sent, but we didn't post anything in the paper and there was no viewing or anything like that. I was given the chance to see her the night she died before they took her away..but I didn't. I think now that I wish I had. So I could have seen with my own eyes that she really was in peace. We still haven't decided what to do with her ashes, although, my father bought me a small urn that I have tucked away in a red velvet heart shaped box that I'll be able to keep with me forever no matter what we do with the rest of them. It's incredibly weird and I've only looked at it a few times. The urn I mean. I haven't spent much time crying, but it's been affecting me. It came on slowly and quietly, especially while at work. I think it's still affecting me.

Work has been hard. I hate going there and I hate my new boss. I love everyone else, they're great people, but I hate her. There have been many instances where I've simply wanted to just walk out. I've never felt that badly about work before. Yes, I shouldn't complain. There are lots of jobs and I'm sure I could get hired elsewhere. I don't know why I'm not doin anything about it.

Well, yes, I do. I'm avoiding. I think I've been doing it so long with so many things in my life that it's becoming routine and I don't even realize I'm doing it sometimes.

I've spent a lot of time online playing my character Marc Blucas in the RPG game I'm part of. I'm finding it easier and easier to sink myself into his world and out of my own. But, hell, people say I'm excellent at playing him. I just wonder at what price, you know? I stepped away from the game for a few weeks after my grandmother passed away, so I did take time away to work on the grieving part. Just the last two weeks or so, I've been doing the more avoiding thing.

Hm. With that all said and done, home life isn't so bad. Luevonna and I aren't doing too badly, neither are Eric and I and Parker and I are having a great time together. I'm seeing him about two days a week, which I think is just fine for both of us at this point. I'm starting to realize that he isn't going to forget me if I'm not there all the time and I see that he loves me, just like he loves everyone else in his family. He may not still know that I think of him as his other mother or he may not know me like that, but I know he loves me. I'm starting to realize that that is much more important than a title to me.

I may actually try to keep track of this thing more. I need to. I've got to get an outlet going again for my life. Oh, and I've been trying to add some of these new people to my favorites list, but my brain isn't functioning well enough for me to go back through comments right now and get the names. I'll do it as soon as I can though, I'll be happy to start reading up on others again.



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