Monday, Nov. 18, 2002 - 12:37 a.m.
I keep getting these ideas to write. To write more in here, to write my fictional stories, to write that article about online relationships to submit to the ezine, but at the same time every time I try to sit down and open up Microsoft Word or this page to write my entry, I get...frustrated. I feel the words filling in my head, but not the courage to write them down or type them down in this case. ;)
I think it may be that the feelings in my head are still too fresh for me. Once I start writing everything will come to the surface and it scares me. It really makes me face whatever I'm dealing with on a new level and I hate that. I like to wait until the last second before doing anything or reacting to anything. It runs in the family, so I use that excuse.
I tried talking to Luevonna again today about some of the things I'm feeling and she just wasn't having any of it. She probably wanted to go in out of the cold and get busy with Eric in bed or something insane like that.
I still hate Eric. I hate him with a passion and I still feel severe anger towards Luevonna, even though I am still trying to work though it. I'm still in denial though, I guess.
I'm still so many things even though so much around me is changing and it makes me feel so...nonproductive.
I wish I just had someone around me that I could talk to. Really talk to about anything and not worry about judgement or negativity and just get some understanding and even, sometimes, advice. You don't have to be able to relate to me, you don't even have to agree with me...just love me. I just want someone to care and love me.
Care and love me as a friend.
Care and love me as a life long mate.
It doesn't matter which at this point. I'm just tired of feeling betrayed and judged all the time. I'm tired of feeling disappointment and sorrow, when so many good things could be surrounding me.
No one's said anything about this beautiful layout either...