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Friday, Nov. 15, 2002 - 2:52 a.m.

I keep feeling this urge to write, which is strange because for the last couple of weeks I haven't really wanted to at all. Actually, I don't want to write now, even though I have an aching to. I think it's because it's always the same shit that I talk about and it doesn't just feel old to anyone who reads me, it feels old to me.

I keep thinking that writing is some how going to help me clear the cobwebs out of my brain, but really all it does is bring it all to the surface so that I can think about it further.

I honestly feel like the characters of Dawson's Creek. Over-thinking every little thing until the original feeling has been distorted beyond recognition. I've been watching reruns of the show a lot lately, but only so that I can overthink about their stupid lives instead of my own. And I wonder if Dawson and Joey could ever get back together, then would that be destined for Luevonna and I?

And then I smack myself in the head for even comparing the two. *SMACK*

I know that I'm depressed. That much is evident to me. The feeling tired all the time, the sluggish way I walk around, and the negativity that flows through my veins (more than usual). I start a new anti-depressant today that I'm not feeling a lot of faith in. But at this point, I figure I probably can't feel any worse so it can't hurt anything. Right?

Damn, I just don't know.

I need to write my November IF...Project subject entry in here and then I was planning on writing and submitting an article for this online journal newsletter thing I'm part of. The topic is "Online relationships and what they mean to you." I figure I could write a good deal about that at this point. I just need to feel the love to want to write. I'll be driving down the road and an idea will pop in my head, something related to real life that I can transform into something characters of a show can act out. I think I write fanfiction simply so that I can chicken out on writing the hard core feelings, emotions, and desires that I truly feel on a more personal level. I can hide behind fictional characters and let them feel the things that I'm so afraid to express to myself.

I wonder if that even makes any sense at all.




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