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Friday, Oct. 25, 2002 - 1:03 a.m.

Yes, with this lame template I haven't been feeling wonderful and wanting to write in here.

no-answers has been kind enough to take on helping me do my design and hopefully in the next two of so weeks I'll have a beautiful, functional running journal again.

I've been crying a lot lately. Mainly about Luevonna and Parker. In a few weeks it will be Luevonna and mine's anniversary. That was the time last year when she proposed to me. It will mark a year since then and it feels like lifetimes away.

I keep going back and forth with my feelings. Like one minute, I'm fine with her being with Eric, then I not. Which I guess is an improvement, but it doesn't feel that way. I hate her, I truly hate her and I know I have good reason to, but it doesn't help me at all. The hate is eating away at me little by little. I don't express it a lot, especially to her. In all the time that I've yelled at her and said mean things. I've never actually said that I hate her. I've only told her that twice in the time I've known her and I've come to regret it both times, but now? I'm not sure I could ever get past that feeling. The jealously, maybe. But I feel the hate so intensely for her and for Eric that I'm not sure how to move forward.

Now...I've posted some personal ads on different services to find friends or something and I've had this guy that has written me twice named Jeremy. He last told me I was attractive, which was really sweet, since the pic I have up is of me and Parker and no one else has responded. Him and I have good personalities to go together, but he's a smoker which I immensely dislike, but I decided to take the dive and email him back.

Then...there's this guy that works at Eric's new store, Daniel, that I've mentioned a long time ago and he left work for a few months and I just talked to him a few days ago and he sounded like he was still interested in getting to know me, but I don't know. I don't exactly know how to read guys, so I could be sorely deluded. Anyone have any ideas how I can find out, when I never see him and only can email him or talk to him on AIM? I'm way to afraid to get his phone number and call him. I can't go postal yet, lol.




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