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Thursday, Jan. 02, 2003 - 3:41 a.m.

December is now gone and I have no idea where it went.

I got the new "If..Project" questions today and realized that I don't think I even answered December's. I don't do the Friday Five's and I just feel like things have been going by in a blur.

My New Year's Eve was spent by myself watching Dick Clark and such with the ball dropping at 12 midnight at Jennifer's house. I was house sitting last week so I went there to cry by myself. It was a depressing moment for me that I could not avoid. Eric and Luevonna had made plans that included Parker and with Jenn out of town, the only other person could have been Jeremy.

I haven't spoken to Jared in forever. He came back to the states at the beginning of December and I had been meaning to email, but keep forgetting.

It turns out tonight, or last night, how ever you want to look at it, Parker took his first step unassisted. I'm elated and sad at the same time. I had been planning to go over there tonight, since I worked this morning but I was so tired that I went to bed early. My brother woke me up to tell me the news, but it didn't register till I woke up just about 2 hours ago. I could have been there to see it...I wasn't.

With all that is said, it's hard for me to say that I've been feeling better lately. Last week, the doctor upped my dosage of anti-depressants some more, but I thought I was noticing some changes. This week though, I've been feeling worse. Work has been horrible, I feel lonely and sad, and I have no money since I'm now in debt from Christmas. I've been in a lot of pain too, because of my back and shoulders. I think I sprained something, because they are hurting like the devil and I have to keep trying to lather myself up with Icy, Hot to help with the pain. What I need is a good massage for my whole body.

With the New Year, everyone always reflects on the past year. And I have done that some, but I don't feel like writing about it much here. This year has had some ups, but mostly downs, like all the past years before it. And I don't think it's just because Luevonna left me. I think it has a lot to do with my reflects of myself, my relationships with my friends, and with Parker. I don't feel so much the hatred for Eric and Luevonna as those other keys in my life. I've been handling the stuff with E/L better the last couple of weeks with minimal disagreements. I wonder if it's a passing thing or if I could actually be getting somewhere in that respect. I seriously hope for the latter.

I hope everyone had a happy and safe New Years.


Oh, and I passed my 2 year mark without even realizing. ;)



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