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Friday, Jul. 04, 2003 - 2:19 a.m.

Happy 4th of July to everyone!

Today I get to work instead of going to picnics or fireworks, but at least I can wear all red, white, and blue at work instead. Isn't that exciting? ;)

Things on my end have been blah. The weather is rainy and cloudy and so is my mood. I can't remember the last time I wrote an entry in here that was actually uplifting. I wonder why that is a lot. Is it because my meds are correct for me? Is it because I'm not working through my issues in therapy anymore? Is it because I don't overall take care of myself? Do I work too much and spend the money too much? Maybe it's a combination of one or more factors. My doctor has added a medicine to my other current two ones. This one is supposed to help "stabilze" my mood. How the hell does a drug do that for me? I guess maybe I'll find out in another two weeks or so. That's how long it usually takes a new drug to get into one's system and have time to react.

I'm not sure what it is, but Parker seems to want me around more. Every time I've gone to see him the last two weeks, he smiles huge for me when he sees me and then wraps his arms around me, laying his head on my shoulder when I pick him up. He'll stay that way, with his arms around my neck for 10 minutes or so, as I rock him back and forth as I stand in place.

What's horrible is when I leave. He'll see me changing my clothes (if I'm going straight to work) or putting my shoes on to leave and runs over to the door, grabbing the handle, because he wants to go with me. Even writing this now, makes tears well up in my eyes. When I tell him no gently, he can tell what I'm saying by the tone of my voice (and that fact that he recognizes "no" now from hearing it so much). Someone has to take him out of the room and keep him occupied now because if not, he'll run towards me and as I close the door, he'll cry.

I never thought that he would hate being apart from me. He's been used to me only being around sometimes since he can't remember before in the 3 months that I was with him constantly...unless somehow he remembers the feeling of me and him being together so much. During those 3 months, I spent a lot of quality time with him, even without Luevonna around. We had so many things that we did together, just the two of us, like me singing to him, rocking him in the rocking chair as I talked to him, playing music and dancing with him around the room. I never really thought that all that time we had together would have much of an impact on him, even though the books and experts say that those first few months are crucial for his development and the bonding process with the people around him.

And you would think that by me realizing how much he truly does love me and want me there that that would make me happier, right? It doesn't. It upsets me more because I can't be with him as much as I truly want. He and I aren't living together and that was what I always wanted. And I think to myself how I can turn something so sweet and wonderful into just another thing to add to my problems and "bitch about" list in my mind.

I think that if someone else were in my position they would be valuing the things and people around them a lot more than I have in a long time. And I can't figure out why I can't do what a stranger could.



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