Sunday, May. 25, 2003 - 3:01 p.m.
I keep thinking about writing and then go off and write an entry in my "Marc" journal about him instead of facing reality and just doing what (I, at this point feel like should be doing) instead of just what I want.
I know. When you start to think of your journal as a must thing to do, it's probably best to not do it. A journal is supposed to be an outlet of one's life, in whatever they choose to write about. And it helps when they want to do it instead of thinking of it as a chore.
I've at least been trying to get back into the fridayfive questions, but, alas, find them sometimes having to think too much about the answer, so I start it, put it in my private entry part and then never get back to it. I think I've done that about three times now and I don't feel like posting them in here anymore.
Work has been...work. I think that I'm finally getting to a place where I might be doing better, but then I mess something up again. Frankly, I shouldn't care. People, including myself, keep telling me that I won't be at this job forever. It's not a life affirming long term option. I know it isn't. The pay will never get me what I really need and frankly, the stress levels that have been coming down the chain lately are just not healthy in any way possible. But, I know that while here, I should be doing my best to further my future opportunities and to make it fun as much as possible so I can enjoy my third year there. As of June 1st, I will have been there 3 years. That's the longest I ever thought I would last at a job. And right now? I'm one warning away from being fired and I'm really not producing what the company wants as a manager. I'm never going to be promoted in the position that I'm in, I don't even understand my position of "Shift Leader". "Shift Leader" is a nice way of saying that you get paid shit, you get little respect, but you get worked 5x as hard as the Store Manager. I shouldn't say that though. Because most jobs aren't ideal. You make little money anyway and you probably don't have much fun. I never thought work would be like that though. That wasn't how it started when I was first there. In fact, the video store made me believe that it wouldn't be like that. And it is like that, for some people. Like Debbie who's been there 12 years and gets to work days and has as many days off as she'd like. And Saanjaay who has owned his own business before and so, came on board as a fast-tracker and was paid $5 more an hour than me. He knows less than I do at this point (he's been here almost a year now), but gets more respect than I do. His job is not in jeopardy, as neither is Debbie's. They come in, work, get good pay, and that's it. That used to be how it was for me. I don't know what changed. I don't know if my work ethic got killed by Eric. Or if it got killed by other examples of the ethic. Or I just stopped caring. Maybe a combination of all three. Now, I go to work and I worry about what I'll do wrong next. I get angry easily at new procedures or new changes that I don't like. Okay, more like just any new changes in general because I hate change. Sometimes, it's good and I can except it gradually or if it's something that I've wanted all along and I finally get it, then it's simple. But I admit it, I hate overall change in general. The idea of change scares me and fills me with doubt.
It's one of the many reasons why I've done nothing in my life since Luevonna.
I feel better now, after writing some of this out. I'll try and be back later.
