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Saturday, May. 03, 2003 - 12:41 a.m.

Right now-

Listening to: "If I'm Not The One" by Daniel Bedingfield

Reading: "Every Nine Seconds" Queer As Folk series book

Watching: Season One, Roswell VCD's I bought of eBay (good quality too!)

Eating: Birthday Cake

Drinking: Diet 7-UP

So, I'm officially a 23 year old. Well, technically 23 years old and 41 minutes. But, hey, who's counting?

One year older and one year none the wiser. The last couple of birthdays I've spent some part of the day wondering what I've accomplished or learned in another year. Most people do it on New Years. I do it on my birthday. The thing is, I spent the better part of this morning arguing with Luevonna, and then after that, crying for a few hours. The best part of the day was sitting at the dinner table with my parents, my two brothers, my grandmother, and Parker. Blowing my candles out, but not all at one time, so no wish for me, and looking at all of them and knowing how much love I have for them. Everyone that truly mattered to me was there. I've realized that more and more. Luevonna doesn't matter to me anymore. Eric hasn't mattered in a long time, if really ever in my mind. I've tried so hard to believe that with the history Luevonna and I have, we should still have some part of that still today. A basic friendship or some elements of a friendship, but we still after over a year now, have nothing. That should sadden me more than make me angry, shouldn't it? Of everything that I feel now, anger is the top emotion. It is what fuels my every day and my every night. It carries me through every event, causing more tears than laughter, whether I'm utterly depressed or simply upset for any given reason. It causes me to argue more than I should, to start arguing at any given time without any real warning and possibly sometimes, any real reason. The reason(s) seem justifiable at the time, but later when I think about it, it really does seem silly a lot.

So, thus, I have resorted to buying anger management books today. I took my birthday money to Barnes and Noble and bought self-improvement books. I'm going to go back to my therapist, even though I don't want to, and I'm trying my best to take my medicine like a good patient. I wonder if I'm really as my medicine doctor says...that I talk much more than I take action. He says if I take more chances, I'll get more reaction and at this point, any reaction can't be much worse than what's happening now.

I would like very much to find new friends, to have something besides work to spend my time with, and to find someone to share my life with. I'm willing to wait a while longer for the last request, because I know that until I figure myself out, I'm never going to be able to have any good, stable relationship with a male or female at this point.

 

 

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