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Thursday, Apr. 10, 2003 - 4:15 a.m.

There are so many things that I should talk about, that I even want to talk about at this point. Things that I don't say often enough anymore, outloud, and obviously not in here in written form.

I sit quietly sometimes, in bed before I go to sleep, in bed after I've woken up, or even sometimes when I'm sitting here in front of the computer listening to my MP3's and just staring at the screen checking email, but not really paying attention at all.

I'm about to be fired at work. I don't mean where someone goes around all the time saying, "I'm this close to getting fired" or "Damn, their going to fire me any day now." It's the actual kind of firing that will actually happen if I screw up one more time at work. Don't ask me how it happened, because I'm not quite sure. Ever since I became a manager I've strived to be the best for the customer, to work with as little as I know about how to manager and as little as I know about what is handed to me to work with, in terms of information and CSR's. Ever since, our newest store manager, Anne, things with her and with the company have gotten stricter. She watches our every move because her boss watches her every move. And so on and so forth. It started with me forgetting to clock in for my shift. One write up form in my file. Then it happened again a week later, two write up forms in my file. Then somehow I left the safe open overnight and it's downstairs so anyone walking by could see it. Another major violation write up form in my file. Then I violated our child labor laws by having one of our 16 year old workers, clocked in one minute after their 4-hour time limit before a break. Another major violation write up form in my file. Granted, I did all those things. I admit it, I signed them dutifully stating my guilty for each one. But then I had our asst. manager who has been at the store as long as I have tell me that I needed to watch my step. That I was going to be fired if I messed up, exactly one more time. I went into the office and I cried. I think in the 3 years I've been there, I might have cried a total of 5 times, which is good for me, since I'm a big crier. Whenever I feel any type of emotion, except simple happiness, I cry. It's been about two weeks since this happened. I told my parents my job was in crisis, but they didn't really listen. And today, I finally mentioned it to Luevonna, but we were fighting about something else so she probably wasn't paying attention.'s wait it out and hope I don't get fired or I make it my duty to find another job and leave the video store. The latter option seems like the sensible one.

I'd been fighting a cold for over a month now and finally I got sick. It's been almost 6 months since I've been out of work and that was when I had the car accident and couldn't really do anything about that. I've been proud of myself, taking vitamin C so I'd ward it off, going to work when I didn't feel up to par, because I had to and finally Monday when I could barely speak, I was still dressed for work and ready to go in, when Anne called and realized I didn't feel well. I had a mid shift anyway for that day and Tuesday so she didn't freak as much and told me I could stay home. Then today, the other manager took my shift and I swapped for his Friday which was originally going to be a day off. I think I fared well, but then...I'm sure I'm going to get my end of it when I go back. Which means more gossip or whatever it is that keeps everyone busy there besides doing their actual work.

I haven't seen my therapist since last November. I say it's because I can't afford him and that's true. But the other real reason is because I don't want to take an hour of my life and talk about everything bad in it. That's one of the reasons I haven't been writing in here. Why spend $70 for an hour of talking to someone when I can do it by writing in here? I supposed to get advice, suggestions on what to do and he gives me that, but at the same time, I feel nothing from it. I feel hollow. Empty. And yet at the same time, full of so much emotion that it overtakes me time and time again. Either in anger or in sadness. Sometimes even both. But with that said, I haven't taken it out on many people. I've gotten more frustrated with my family, although everything has been tense with them lately. And work has been taking the brunt of some of it as well, but not always the customers or the employees, more just my work, which is cause for the mistakes, I imagine. Luevonna, of course, but I think it has more to do lately with Parker and the relationship I'm playing in his life and not her or Eric specifically.

She thinks it's because of her, that I'm still jealous of Eric and her, or whatever they have or that I don't have it. Honestly though? I'm over that. I'm not jealous of what they have. What I'm jealous of is the role they play in a child's life that I'm supposed to be having an equal part in. I figure if I did, he wouldn't be going to Orlando with 10 other people for Easter weekend though, right? He'd be at home with all of his family and not spending it in a hotel room.

I think that's a fair thing to want. Maybe it's not. I'm not sure anymore. I seem to just be the person that puts a damper on every plan that Eric and Luevonna have made in their life. I'm the one that argues and fights everything along the way. I wish, I WISH just once Luevonna would ask my opinion on something concerning Parker and she just do it instead of consulting Eric or even herself, as much as she does for whatever her or Eric wants. I'm sure she may have done it a time or two awhile ago, but it's been so long I don't remember. If we all aren't going to work as a team, we might as well just spilt up the decisions, right? Each of us gets one a week or something? That seems fair.

It sounds crazy though doesn't it? Like if people really did that, none of them should be parents, right? That's what I think.

But I can be a two year old too. I can say- "If you can't beat them, join them."

Sounds groovy, right? Yeah, that's my life right now. Everyone glad I updated now? ;)



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