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Saturday, Feb. 14, 2003 - 12:54 a.m.

I've been absent.

I didn't even want to write today.

I'm making myself. BTW, Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm coming back. I'm trying to come back, I promise. I think I've been trying to avoid life, life here in DL and life overall. You wonder how someone can do that? I've been doing it. I go to work, I come home, I get online and play my RPG. I drown myself in the life of "Marc Blucas" and don't think about what I should or could be doing. I stay online until at least 5am and then go to bed, on days that I work, I sleep until 4pm, getting up and then going to work. If I don't have to work, I get up about 12pm and go see Parker. I fight with Luevonna and/or Eric and then go home, playing online again, going to bed and resume the day again. I've been doing it for over a month now. Work, Sleep, Parker, and RPGing. I don't converse with anyone outside of work, I don't even converse with Luevonna hardly. I dodge my parents everytime they want to talk about money, my future, anything that feels like stressful nagging. They tell me to figure things out, I ignore them. At night when I go to sleep, everything floods into my mind. The things I need to do with my money that I'm not--getting my eyes checked because my glasses are falling apart, going to the dentist to get my teeth checked in what has been about 5 years now. I need to get my car looked at, an oil change, rotating the tires, and a tuneup. I need to save money to move out at some point. I need to figure out if my current job is going to be get me any farther in life and if not, what it is that I want to be doing in 5 years. Do I want to go back to college? How I should be going back to therapy, even though I'm not. How I need to keep taking my medicine, even on days where I don't want to.

I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to make any of the above decisions, especially. I don't want to think about how empty my life really is. How I don't have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I don't have someone that I love and that loves me, someone that I'm going to be with forever. That I don't really know if I'll ever have children of my own, adopted or biologically. That Parker is never, in the eyes of the law, going to be any part mine. Which means that everyday, I worry that he's going to be ripped from me.

I can't spend my life doing this. Worrying that he's going to be gone from me, wondering if Luevonna and I were ever meant to be or if it was a horrible dream that I filled years of my life up with but didn't mean anything at all in the long run. I wonder if I'll ever find someone that I will want to risk my heart with again. If I even want to really do that, put myself out there to make friends or find romance. Closing myself off is much easier and safer, yet, oh so much, lonelier.

I miss my friends on here. Daizy and Lara, mainly. I miss Heather and Amanda so much that it hurts sometimes. They are like my bestest friends online. ;)



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