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Monday, Dec. 02, 2002 - 3:01 a.m.

A new month, a new IF...question in my inbox, and a time to reflect on so many things that have happened in the last week.

I had Thanksgiving yesterday, Sunday, and it could have better and could have been worse. I wish my grandfather had been with us, instead of my grandmother, but then...neither one of them is the truest form of my family that I love the most. Parker was indeed with us and he was a little upset all day, although I'm not really sure why. He seems okay, but didn't want to eat much and was really tired, but wouldn't sleep. My family loved having him around though and he feels so complete with all of us that it's still scary.

I'm not angry with Luevonna or Eric, but I am feeling still very sad about the actual Thanksgiving day. It hurt so much to feel like I wasn't needed in their celebration either with her family or his family. No pictures were taken for memories and no phone calls were made to send best wishes. Just an empty day where Parker spent with his two generations of family, and I wasn't there. I'm sorry, but I just can't help feeling hurt by that.

Saturday night, I took him and Luevonna downtown to see our huge X-Mas tree that is on display downtown. Little did I know that they were also having the boat parade going through the river, where they are all decorated with lights for the holidays and...then a huge fireworks show. This was Parker's first fireworks show. He'd seen the small one's at the house for the 4th of July, but this was so loud and beautiful and he took it like a pro. All the other children were crying and/or scared and he just stared and stared. As the sky lit up, I wrapped my arms around the two of them and started to cry. With all the hurt I've been feeling and all the emotions going back and forth for me, that moment felt perfect.

It was one of those moments where you wouldn't change anything at all. You feel happy, safe, secure, content with everything around you and you don't want it to change. You don't want anything to interrupt it, but you know it will end, so you hold on to it. You savor it and take it all in so you can lock it away in your brain for safekeeping. It's wrapped up in my box of perfect moments so I can pull it out whenever I want/need to.

Now, why was it after that moment, I realized how much more upset I could be? I was because I knew that Luevonna would have rather had that moment with Eric, than me any day. I wonder if I will ever be able to let her go. To ever realize that she's not coming back. That I need to have what's best for Parker and not myself. I just still don't know what's best for him, or if I'm giving him what he needs or wants. I'm scared of screwing up. I'm scared of not surviving my friendship with Luevonna. I'm scared of losing all the balls in the air that I'm juggling around so carefully above me.

Happy December Everyone!




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