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Saturday, Nov. 02, 2002 - 4:49 a.m.

So, I'm still here, just not, well, here. If that actually means anything.

I'm still sick with this nasty cold, so I ended up staying home yesterday from work, hence, starting my vacation time a day early.

I should be excited about this, yes?

No, I don't feel excited. I feel no happiness, no joy...just emptiness. This hollow feeling in my chest of loneliness and solitude within my soul.

I saw Parker and Luevonna today. She brough him over today to see me and then I found out her and Eric ended up taking him for his first trick-or-treating the other night. I had to work, I thought they weren't going, but they decided to. Her, him, Parker, and little Eric. One god-damn big happy family and I wasn't there.

But I'm proud of myself because I didn't get mad at her, I just said how sad I was that I wasn't there. I still didn't say anything when she told me that Eric had, in fact, signed the divorce papers *last* Friday so they were free and clear now. Or when she said that she got really drunk on Halloween night and had so much fun. It wasn't until she said that little Eric wanted to live with her, his dad, and Eric that I finally opened my mouth.

As much feeling as I have had lately, I have been pretty quiet about it to her. To Luevonna. This girl who was my soulmate, who is supposed to be *still* my best friend. This girl that I no longer no as anything anymore. This girl who I've never felt such extreme feelings for in my life with anyone else, of love and of such hate at the very same time or at opposite ends of the spectrum from one day to the next.

I hope the days get better from here instead of worse.



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