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Monday, Sept. 30, 2002 - 3:47 a.m.

I still keep spending my time thinking about what I should be doing, instead of actually doing it.

Like finding a car.

Like finding out how I have to get my paperwork filled out for back pay.

Like how I need to talk to my grandmother more.

Like how I need to sit down and have a talk with Luevonna.

Like how I need to spend time with Jennifer.

Like how I need to spend time with Jeremy.

Like how I need to start walking to get exercise and help me mentally.

And yet, I'm not doing any of those things. And I don't really have any reason, or good reason for not doing them. It's basically because I'm tired. I'm tired of making decisions, following through with them, finding out they were the wrong decision or taking a really good decision and just fucking it up and then having to make yet another decision about the decision that I just made a day ago.

I've said this before, but I feel like I'm going in circles over and over again. I can't make my family happy, I can't make Luevonna happy, I can't make any of my friends happy...and then I finally can't make myself happy. I shouldn't worry about making anyone but myself happy, but it's a very hard concept for me to grasp. In fact, it's my biggest problem that I talk about in therapy. My fear of upsetting people around me, of them not loving me anymore. Which really stems from the fact that I don't truly love myself. I get so many headaches from this psycho-blabble that Dr. Nay feeds into me. I'm sure it's all very true, but that doesn't make it any better. He can explain things all he wants so that reasons are behind actions and I can understand all of those reasons, but it really gets me no where at all.

Let's take an example. I've talked several times in here about the conclusions I've figured out about why Luevonna and I didn't work out for so long in our relationship. I talked about how I was coming to terms of feeling like I did something wrong by understanding that it wasn't just something I did. Well, really, all I did was think that if I figured it all out, she would come back to me. So, I wasn't really coming to terms of something on my own, I was simply occupying my thoughts while waiting to get what I wanted. And I didn't get that. And through all of these complicated stuff, just the simple day to day tasks of finding out about forms for the car accident, going to the doctor, going to my brother's soccer game just don't work for me.

A lot of the time now, when my father calls me lazy for not doing what he asks or taking a taxi to work instead of riding a bus (which is cheaper), I just sit there and let him say whatever he wants. It's better for him to think I don't care or agree with him than to argue. I feel defenseless against my own father. And even now, my mother.

I gotta get some sleep.




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