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Saturday, Sept. 28, 2002 - 1:05 p.m.

There are about 10 other things I should be doing right now, but I'm not and it's because I just don't want to.

I should be calling around looking for a car for myself. I've picked several out, I just hate calling people and talking to them. I hate phones, when it really comes down to it.

I watched Parker last night and their car broke down so I ended up having to spend the night over at the apartment. I hated it. I had nightmare after nightmare and just felt so out of place and...I don't know anymore. What really scares me is that last night when I was rooting around some of Eric's stuff, I found the videotape of him and Luevonna. I always said that if I did find it, I would take it and use it for blackmail against that horrible man, but now I'm not sure what I want to do. I mean, I would never take it and publicly show it or anything like that. I'm just a sick, sick person.

My mother woke me up earlier today and wanted me to go with her and my brother, David to his soccer game. She had another one of her episodes yesterday and didn't want to embarrass David while he was playing. My other brother Zach didn't want to go and she kept coming back and forth out of my room and saying that no one wanted to help her or cared about her. I was half asleep during the whole thing and didn't realize what a big deal it was until I just got up. Zach ended up going because my mother said she would ground him if he didn't. What an eventful morning, eh?

I saw Dr. Nay yesterday. He told me I need to make things in my life that can always stay the same, like set patterns that I do that I keep doing to help with all the change going on around me and so I'll have something I can depend on. Then he tells me, "It's evident that you can't depend on Luevonna anymore." Yeah, I really knew this already but when I told her after the session what he'd said, I realized how incredibly lonely I truly feel.

Right now, I really don't care about anything. I don't care about getting a car, going to work or making money. I keep thinking about the car accident, keep thinking about things Luevonna has told me about her and Eric that I didn't want to know, but really already knew. Things I just don't feel like saying in here at all.

This journal doesn't even feel like my self anymore.




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