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Thursday, Sept. 19, 2002 - 1:04 p.m.

Happy Birthday to Luevonna. She's 24 today, it's so exciting.

Yeah, I'm really excited and I just can't contain it.

I wonder how I got to the place that I'm in. This place where I know that Jennifer and Jeremy love and care about me, but yet, I don't let them in and I feel lonely.

This place where I know that Luevonna doesn't care about me, doesn't really care anymore and I still let it get to me. I still let her make me feel badly when I try to explain to her that I feel like she's hurting me.

The doctors want me to stay home until Tuesday now to rest and I was supposed to watch Parker tonight while Luevonna and Eric were at work. They didn't find anyone to watch him in my place, I guess because they thought I would be fine or probably because their both stupid as doorknobs and don't think ahead of schedule. In either way, I told them today (even after I was supposed to be at home resting) that I would watch him for an hour until Luevonna's mom could get over to the apartment. Once my mom found out what I was doing though...she freaked and said no. She said if I wasn't well enough to go to work then I wasn't well enough to watch Parker for an hour. She was right, I knew that.

But I haven't gotten to see Parker much this past week and 1/2. I really wanted to spend some time with him instead of just buying him things. The other day when I saw him, he didn't even act like he knew who I was like normal. He was happy, but when I tried to play with him like normal, he wasn't smiling and looking at me like usual. I keep thinking if I'm away from him enough he's not going to remember me and I'm not going to be mommy someday, I'm just going to be "auntie" or someone else. But then, what does it really matter anyway, though? As long as I'm in his life and he loves me, shouldn't that be enough for me?

Why does it always have to be my way or no way? Maybe that's not always true, I tend to compromise some, but I wonder if I'm too agreeable or too stern, or maybe just in the middle.

Or maybe I psycho-analyze myself too much.

I feel like I should be trying to figure myself out and I seem to just be making things worse for myself. Not everyone else making things worse for myself (except maybe Luevonna's part), but me doing all of these things to myself.




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