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Thursday, Sept. 12, 2002 - 1:02 a.m.

There were many things that I wanted to write about during my last entry, but given the date, the 11th, I wanted to just sit back and let the day sink in, instead of harping on petty problems that really aren't bad on the wide scheme of things.

I wonder where this past year went. I wonder what happened to get to this place. I wonder when I will stop thinking about myself so much and start thinking about others more because I feel like I've lost that somewhere along the way. I wonder what will happen in this next year. I wonder too much.

As for work, Kory, the new manager is very different. Not bad so much, just different. I felt like I was going to my first day of school all over again on Monday when he started. He has tons of ideas and tons of opinions that will take a lot of getting used to and I hope that I can keep up. The other night when I closed, I left a bucket of mop water and the vacuum out, forgot to clock out, and didn't clean up our kid's cart with the toys on it because I was so freakin' worried about getting everything done and I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Just him looking at me feels like he's judging me right off the bat without even knowing me. He's the store manager though, he can do that. What's worse though, is that I found that Saanjaay, the other manager (who's only been with us for 5 months) is actually an assistant store manager instead of a shift leader like me. Maybe I've already mentioned this? I don't know, I don't feel like checking though. But, also, I found that Eric has been telling the employees that I'm the reason he got transferred. Now, granted, when I heard it from one person, I thought maybe it was a rumor, but then I heard it from three people and Jennifer even said something about Eric saying stuff to her. Jennifer wouldn't lie about that shit. I shouldn't care though, right? I mean, he's gone and that's that. But I do care. I'm angry as hell and I hate it. I hate things never going away.

Or maybe, just maybe, I don't let them go away. Maybe I hold on to them just so I have something to hold on to. To make sure I have something to gripe about. I just don't know anymore. I can't figure out if I'm holding on to stuff that I truly shouldn't be holding on to or if I'm justified in how I feel and how I'm reacting. Let me rephrase that. I know it's okay to feel how I do, and even how I'm dealing with it. But am I holding on to stuff that really isn't important in the long run. Stuff that isn't going to make or break anything of true importance.

In other news, I went to the movies today. The big thing about that is that I went by myself. I've never been to the movies by myself. I sound like a 5 year old just saying that I've rode a bike for the first time on my own, but it kind of feels that way. I don't know how to do a lot of things on my own. I even try not to go out to eat on my own because then I have nothing to do while I'm sitting there eating at the table. This stems back to the insecurity issues that I have about being...insecure. I don't like being alone, most of the time, or should I say, I don't like being alone unless it's by choice.

I saw "SwimFan" which I thought was excellent. Same old storyline about guy who has everything and strange, beautiful, psycho girl tries and take it all away because she wants him. But I think Jesse Bradford is hot and Shiri Appleby is awesome as well.




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