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Saturday, Sept. 07, 2002 - 8:47 p.m.

I had planned on doing fridayfive, but instead, I have to, no, need to talk about my mom. I'm scared for her and can see how mocksie feels. I don't talk much about my family in here for many reasons, it's the one subject that I've noticed that I stay away from without even trying in here.

I have mentioned my mom's condition of repressed memories of mental, sexual, and physical abuse of her childhood and now having mental blackouts where she *supposely* remembers too much for her to handle and she shutdowns, whatever the hell that means. If she's standing, she'll fall down and basically pass out. I'm not sure I really believe it, but I can say it does happen, for whatever reason it truly is for. My mom's blackouts are happening more and more now. She can barely talk straight, stuttering over her words and she keeps getting this blank look on her face. She screams at everyone and tonight she tried to go for a walk outside after dark and I tried to stop her...she's gone walking before, fallen, and gotten hurt from her episodes, so we try to deter her from them, but she left because she's a grownup and can do that. I let her go for a few minutes and then went after her. I felt like her babysitter, but I love her and didn't want anything to happen to her. She was crying and I told her I didn't want her to get mugged or anything, she just told me she didn't care, that she didn't care what happened to her at all. I came home and told my dad and instead of being concerned he goes, "Yeah, that's life. I don't really care what happens to me either." (He's not doing so hot these days either with his bi-polar disease.) I think my mom needs to be in a hospital because I'm scared of her doing something to hurt herself if she truly believes that she's never going to be free of these problems. I never really worry about my dad because when he gets low, the meds he takes usually kick in fairly well, but it's not the same for my mom. My dad's stuff is medically imbalanced caused, but my mom's stuff is purely caused by outside forces, so meds have never really been that effective.

Neither one of my parents are perfect, but they are the only parents I have and I don't know what I'd do without them. I don't want to think about it either.




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